Self-trust is the ability to know that whether or not you fail or succeed, you will be kind and understanding to yourself. Self-trust is deep integrity and knowing your own word. Self-trust is knowing that you can survive anything. Self-trust is a deep connection to the self. Self-trust is knowing how to care for the safety of your mind and body. Self-trust is having a strong back, soft front, and wild heart.
Self-trust is NOT always doing what you said you would, regardless of any other circumstance. Self-trust is NOT always being right. Self-trust is NOT always knowing what is right for you. Self-trust is NOT always being perfect. Self-trust is NOT beating yourself up for doing or not doing something. Self-trust is NOT always conforming to the beliefs of the people around you.
Still not sure what self-trust is? That’s fair. It’s a topic that seems like it should be straightforward but is increasingly complex the more you look at it. In this post, there’ll be a quick rundown of what having self-trust can lead to, what can increase/decrease self-trust, and why it’s important to have it. Things should make more sense by the end 😉
3 THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU HAVE MORE SELF-TRUST
1. You’re able to fail more!! This means you can try more!!
- When you learn how to live with a deep sense of self-trust, your body and mind come to know that you always have someone to count on: yourself. Having self-trust means that you can try and fail and that’s okay. Your willingness to try new things increases and the fall from failure is less hard.
2. No more (or at least less) listening with ego.
3. Making decisions that align with what you want and need is easier.
3 WAYS YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR SELF TRUST
1. Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
- There is a moment between when you feel something and when you act on/with/against that feeling. Most of the time it is an imperceivable moment between when you feel overwhelmed and reach for your phone or when you want a cookie and it’s in your hand. Try to recognize this moment. Become more aware and ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Are you bored? Scared? Sad? Happy? Nervous? Tired? I’m not saying scrolling on your phone or eating a cookie is a bad thing. I’m saying make sure you’re not distracting yourself from a larger feeling. If you are, take a moment to sit with it and let yourself cry or yell or simply sit in silence. Knowing the why behind even the most mundane action allows you to take control of your actions. When you are actively choosing what you do with your time and emotion, you often also come away with a greater sense of control and self-trust.
2. Stay true to your word in a non-explosive way.
- This one can sometimes be tricky. Doing something simply because you said you would has INCREDIBLE power. That’s because your word has power and once you realize that you can trust what you tell yourself, well, it’s a game-changer. That said, our instinct is to pick a huge goal or challenge to prove to ourselves that we can do it. Sometimes this works, but oftentimes it can lead to even greater setbacks if you don’t complete the goal/challenge since now you’re confirming the belief that you can’t do the things that you said you would. So, you want to push yourself just enough to actively be doing something you said you would, but potentially not too much that completion is a greater challenge than it needs to be. Start by creating smaller and more manageable actions. Instead of saying you’re going to run a marathon, say you’re going to run 3 times a week. Be realistic with yourself but also remember that your limit is much further than you believe it to be. Consider joining the Self Trust Project which provides you with a framework and community to achieve those action items.
3. Practice makes progress
- One of the only ways to get good at failing… is to fail. One of the only ways to get good at self-trust… is to practice self-trust. And you know what those two things mean? You need to fail at having self-trust. Yup, I know, probably not what you were expecting to hear. But that’s the thing, you are going to fail. You are going to fail now and you’re going to fail in 20 years and you are going to make mistakes and you are going to let yourself down and you are going to hurt other people. We are human. We are messy. Now, since those things are inevitable- the key is what you choose to do before, during, and after that failure. How do you treat yourself? Others? The world around you? Part of self-trust is knowing that when you fail, you won’t be one of the voices that tells you never to get back up. Instead, you’ll be the LOUDEST voice saying to keep going. The only way to get good at that and make that voice louder is to practice it. The only way to practice it is to fail. And the only way to fail is to try.
3 WAYS YOU CAN DECREASE YOUR SELF TRUST
1. Continually be non-committal with yourself.
- 1% is not a huge difference but over time, it builds up. This logic applies to all types of change, including the change that makes you feel less trustworthy in yourself. If you are constantly setting new goals for yourself and constantly not reaching those goals then 1. you are subconsciously telling your brain that there is something that needs to be fixed aka something is always wrong with you and 2. you can’t trust yourself to say you’ll do something and actually do it. This type of thinking can penetrate all aspects of your life whether that be social, emotional, romantic, familial, or mental. You begin to ingrain in yourself the idea that you don’t follow through with the things that you say you’ll do. Things that once came easily now get thrown aside because well you said you would do them but we know how that ends. Reevaluate the goals that you’re setting. Reevaluate the mentality that you’re carrying. Wanting change is not a bad thing, that’s a human thing. How you approach change and your relationship with yourself throughout change is where the key to success lies.
2. Use alternative methods of coping with uncomfortable feelings.
- If you never feel your feelings then you’ll never understand them! If you never understand them then you’ll never know how to handle them! If you never handle them, then your actions will reflect an unaligned heart, body, and mind (vague I know). Essentially this means that you’re not acting in accordance with your values, thoughts, and feelings. If you’re stressed, then you scroll on social media instead of taking deep breaths and writing down your worries. If you’re sad, you lash out at your friends instead of taking the time to cry and express how you feel. If you’re overwhelmed, you continue working overtime to check things off the list without first going for a walk and remembering what things are the most important to get done. Uncomfortable feelings will always happen and they might surprise you when they come, but you can change how you deal with them. Start trying to understand the why and allow yourself to live a more aligned life.
3. Constantly conform to the thoughts and desires of those around you.
- An important part of self-trust is the self part of it. Trusting people around you is a whole other ball game!! When you are always dedicating your time to other people it creates a thought pattern that your own time, wants, needs and interests are not a priority. This can lead to low self-esteem and low worth, not what we want when striving for greater self-trust. Of course, there are always moments when you choose to do what someone else wants or you move your schedule around to accommodate others. That’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s when you do this habitually that a thought pattern begins to form. Once you start digging into this hole of always putting others wants and needs before your own, it can be difficult to get out of. So, carve out a little time for yourself. Start small. It can be a 5-minute walk or a call with your mom. Set aside time, let people know you’re not available then, and rearrange your world to accommodate that small thing. Continue to be kind to others, to be considerate of other people’s feelings and don’t simply abandon those values in the pursuit of your own happiness. Simply begin to quietly and calmly do little little things each day that are simply for you.
Now, remember that 1% a day makes a huge difference in the long run and you don’t need to have a ~ self-trust transformation ~ overnight. Just start thinking, maybe write about it, or listen to a podcast on your next walk/run. Maybe consider joining the self-trust project. Stop saying I’m sorry after everything. Give yourself grace and remember that this is EVERYONE’S first time living this life. We’re all just practicing. Every day we’re practicing. So enjoy the practice, strive for more but be amazed at now. Have fun, laugh, cry, be messy, be human.
